Religion and abusive relationships

[lorryfach]

I just have to rant. :mad:

I recently joined a mailing list for stay-at-home wives, thinking I might get some good tips on time management or how to get red wine out of the upholstery or whatever. It ended up being random ramblings instead, but I stuck around because the other women were friendly enough and it was fun to read a lot of the posts. Sometimes someone would post about a rough time they were going through, and many of the responses said things like, "I'll pray for you," but I can overlook that stuff. It's well-intentioned, anyway.

Someone had started a thread on frustrating things husbands do. It was relatively harmless, "Argh! He forgot to take out the trash!" kind of stuff, which is fine. People need to vent. Then someone posted that her husband had gotten drunk and verbally abused her, saying she was stupid and a waste of oxygen, and worse. Their young daughter had witnessed the whole thing, and it was not the first time this happened. She presented it as if it were on par with the other complaints. :twitch:

Not surprisingly, many concerned replies came, telling her that something needed to be done. Counseling, divorce, talking to people at AA… whatever. Something. In her response, she said she didn't believe in divorce for religious reasons.

Can someone please explain this to me? If I believe in a god that wanted me to stay in an abusive relationship that would scar my daughter for live, why would I worship it? :dontknow:

I was so annoyed with the thread after that point, I ended up leaving the group. I can only have so much ignorance in my inbox.

[phrog]

Wow, I've been away for a week and this is the first post I open. Good stuff here.
I am always boggled why any woman stays with her abuser. If she has kids, it is irresponsible to keep them in such an environment, god be damned! I know of several women here in Zion that tell tales of getting out of abusive polygamist marriages only to turn to another just like it, all in the name of religion. Your on-line friend here needs to be convinced she's not doing her kids or herself or god any favors staying in such a volatile environment. Do what you can. Direct her to other chat groups that include wives of abusers. There must be some on-line support out there.

[lorryfach]

I am always boggled why any woman stays with her abuser.
I'm not suggesting that all theists are vulerable to abusive relationships, but I can't help thinking religion doesn't help set one up for it. You're trained right from the start that you aren't the person who knows best for you. If you're willing to listen to invisible sky man, what's so different about listening to the drunk husband? You know better than to listen to yourself.

And both invisible sky man and drunk husband have similar messages: you're good for nothing without me, you need me to tell you what to do, and oh yeah, I really do love you.

Your on-line friend here needs to be convinced she's not doing her kids or herself or god any favors staying in such a volatile environment. Do what you can. Direct her to other chat groups that include wives of abusers. There must be some on-line support out there.

Fortunately, everyone was trying to convince her of that, even if some were more sympathetic to her religious delusions about divorce. Unfortunately, she was not listening to any of it. She said that her parents got a divorce when she was young and it was upsetting to her, and that somehow confirms that divorce is always a bad thing. :confused: Plus all the typical lines about how it was just the alcohol talking, and he really is a fantastic husband 90% of the time. Which even if that's true, you should do something to make sure that 10% of the time becomes 0% of the time. It requires action.

It was too painful to watch her deny every single piece of logic and reason presented to her. It makes me angry what that's doing her daughter.

[maddog]

I am always boggled why any woman stays with her abuser.
I dunno... The division of labor between a husband who works outside the home and a stay-at-home mom means mom doesn't have any ready source of cash income. Mom is the one who must protect the children. If she leaves, she needs to support a family, not just herself. If she's been in that situation (stay at home) for a while, she may not have any or many readily saleable skills. She must have the expense and logistical difficulties of moving with no job, no skills, and multiple people to support, plus the genuine worry about what the abuser may do if she DOES try to leave. Besides, it's not a total black and white situation w/r/t the man. He may also have genuinely loving and caring qualities, at times. It's hard, emotionally, to give up on that. Nothing about the decision is easy. I agree that a mom should not put up with abuse to herself and/or her children, but I don't necessarily find it "boggling" that she would be emotionally torn and financially and physically daunted by making such a decision.

[minorwork]

I never thought I could raise a hand against my first wife. No sleep, none, for 2 days working midnites. Driving 80 mile round trip for the job. Gone 12 hours a day. Handling emergencies at home. Got home at 9 that morning ready to crash till 10 that night. Wife gone. Phone rings. Close friend's sister is shooting senior pictures next day and slave flash won't work. Pleading, tears, OK bring this and that here for sure or I can't possibly troubleshoot. Hour later she arrives and I start assembling the rig. The part I told her to be sure and not forget, she forgot. What next? The wife walked in. And this is where the husband gets a bad rap for being insensitive, I told her, joking, "Honny. I want you to meet my new girlfriend." Yeah, but in my defense I was a walking zombie. Ten minutes later she said she was leaving me because of that statement. When she got up to get out of her chair I pushed her back in it before she could stand. That was all it took. I remember a big weight lifting off my shoulders. I knew at that moment I was getting divorced. I knew that she could make me lose control over something dumb to me. I gave up on family life. My son. My stepson and stepdaughter would not be able to receive any kind of guidance or aid if I was in jail. Funny how immediately after I pushed her back, that from then on I could not react to anything she would say, she tried to get me to hit her, but it was over. That was the only time I have been physically abusive. I did apologize for my joke and the push. And I internally forgave her for pushing me over the edge.

Anger antidotes. Forgiveness, tolerance